07/22/2005: "I am Jack's profound sense of loss and confusion."

I don't know what it is, but I just seem to be getting further and further depressed this week. I don't even feel up to doing my evening class today, though I don't really have a choice. Not sure if it's good or bad if the class cancels (it tends to), as that means sitting outside in the cold for an hour while I wait for someone to come pick me up.

I just seem to be losing things I've become attached to left and right. And not in the "I'm getting old and senile" kind of way. More in the "as time progresses, you'll continually lose more and more of what you once had" way. This week has been especially hard, for some reason. Yeah, there are the obvious things.. but I also find my usual, calm front is starting to crack. Locking everything up deep inside to never see the light of day doesn't seem to be working right now, and this really sucks. Oh, sure, from the outside all appears just as good as usual. I'm certainly not a bouncy, happy sort.. but I can keep up the illusion of being stable and functional enough for everything else. Inside, though.. it feels like I'm looking at the world through a badly cracked window, spiderwebs of cracks running throughout, yet the pane of glass still holds together, for some reason. In some way, I'm glad that I can keep a front up.. but in others, it's disappointing to see that people just smile and nod and don't see you for what's really there.

But, let's just say something I've only said about 15 times before: I really don't take loss well, and this week is starting to chalk them up. I'm not really asking for much, I just need something, anything really, to perk today up. A sign, a gesture, whatever. I just want something to hang onto. I don't want to keep feeling this way for the rest of the day.. or wose yet, for the next few days straight, since I don't really have any more classes to teach.

Gah.. I'm just going to stop writing before this degrades any more than it has. Need to head off to the lesson in about 40 minutes, that'll last about an hour, and then I'll head to that "house" thing I supposedly live at. Ideally, I just want to shove my head under the blankets and not wake up for a few days, but that's probably not going to happen. Besides, I can't even sleep more than 5 hours here (and that's choppy, with waking up every hour), much less for any extended period of time.

So.. I'll write sometime, I guess.


School