07/24/2005: "The miracle never came.."

It seems that when I hold even a little bit of hope, something has to come along to shoot it down, to slap it back in its place.. to keep me at the eternal status quo that I've begun to loathe so dearly.

Been here for several hours.. will be here for several more. I feel like escaping, but I have nowhere to go. I'm in a far away land, in a city I don't live in, with no one around I really feel I know. The people I do "know" here, even on some level, aren't replying to my e-mails right now. I'm probably just paranoid, people take time to reply.. but I can't help but wonder if I somehow did something wrong, maybe they're intentionally not writing back. I sound dreadfully pathetic. Blah.

Feeling really agitated and restless right now. I'm tired of dealing with the stupid things. I'm tired of much of the responsibility thrust upon me. Honestly, it's not my problem.. so why does the world act like it is? I'm told of holding hands and pulling people along.

Woke up nice and early this morning so I could come and spend the majority of my day locked in a library. What fun. Got an e-mail I never wanted to see (no, I won't go into detail) and two (or at least one) I was hoping to get a reply from wasn't there. Basically, I'm in Japan and I spend days at a time doing much of nothing. I just feel like I'm wasting away valuable time, but I don't know how to do anything else. I can't force my time to be "special". I can't make it feel "worthwhile".

I'm just a bundle of happiness right now.

Anyway, after tonight, I don't have any more work until Wednesday. Not sure if this is good or bad.. maybe I can just hole myself up under a blanket for a few days. Alas, that rarely ever works well for me. I hate being locked up for extended periods of time. Library's closed on Monday, and the last Tuesday of the month.. bleh. Looks like I'll be playing alot of games.

What's really stupid is that alot of this probably comes from some really simple and stupid misunderstanding. How the simplest things can cause so many problems.

Will write sometime later.. hopefully my outlook will be a little bit cheerier. God knows that people don't check this to see me complain and ramble.

Time to go babysit more people who are older than me..

And don't even get me started on the work I need to do with travel arrangements..
School