10/30/2005: "God, not again.."
Currently Feeling:
Hopeless.
Got Windows up and running Friday. Spent most of today installing my programs and putting my CD backups onto the computer. And then what happens? FFXI update corrupts. Whatever, that sucks. So I lost upwards of 3 hours. Uninstall FFXI.. and it takes some operating system components with it. Restart comp, bam. Whole thing's dead. Right now I'm reinstalling the operating system and restarting. Everything I've done over the past two days, blown.
I have a headache. Life sucks. People are on my back to go do some trivial labor that is really not important in the least.
Is it fair to say that things feel really hopeless right now? I don't feel like going to school tomorrow. I know I have to/should.. but I don't know if I will.
To add to it, there's the mounting stress of things in general. School work, homework, tests. Get home, and we have yelling, screaming, and crying to listen to as background noises. Look to the people you rely on for companionship, comfort.. and you realize that all you really are in life (and are likely to ever be) is the great background character. I'm losing confidence that I'm a person, much less an important one. People need me. People like me. As long as something more important isn't in their life. I'm the fall back. The guy you go to when you can't turn to those important people. I'm the guy who's been around you for years, and you don't have the decency to look my way anymore because you have someone more fun to be with. That guy who you break promises to once soeone you like better comes along.
I'm the lamp that sits in the corner of the room. The one you ignore until your nifty flashlight burns out. Then, then you like me again. Until, of course, you buy a new flashlight.
I wish I was just upset, and saying these things because I'm annoyed and angry, and things don't seem to be going my way.. but, honestly, it's just the way things are. It's the same pattern that's been going on for years.
I wouldn't even say that I'm angry over this anymore. It's just a kind of.. cold, sobering feeling to realize where you stand with people, where you stand in the world.
I'm that guy who exists for you when you don't have anything else more important.
Jason
Replies: 3 comments
On Sunday, October 30th, Joe said:
you mean so much more than that to me. You are like the son I will never ever have. I love you just the way you are. Please do not do like me and turn always to the shadows and darkness in your heart. It is not a healthy place..I can assure you. Is there anything I can do for you? Please do not wait! I am here for you Jason..as you are for me. I am thinking of you and praying for you. I wish my dreams for each of you could come true..
On Monday, October 31st, Kat said:
Jason...be honest with me...do i mkae you feel that way too? i honestly want to know if i do....because i don't feel this way at all...
i know i tend to call you when i'm in a bad place. Mostly that's cause i'm always ina bad place. i try not to bother you much, but i know that on the few occassions i have been managing ok i haven't called. That's not cause you're not important. i get the impression i really bother people a lot you know? i should know better wit h you but sometimes i just...don't....not cause of you but cause of all my issues....but honestly Jason....there's never anything more important going on in my life. i mean i have Nathan i hang out with sometimes but he's nto same as you and never will be but he's face to face and i guess that's something....and hmm i don't ever express myself well to men lol....can't you turn into a girl for a minute so i can do this better? i hate the issues i have with men when it ends up hurting really good guys like you....
Jason i know how they treat you like a background thing and i do really know how you feel....and i know i have not been a great friend. i've tried but that's not really an excuse. i get scaredand shit like that....but i really am not going anywhere when something "better" comes along cause there is nothing better in my opinion....honestly....even now when i have some good in my life for first time and it's odd....but you were good to me long before Softly ever came around....just Softly is a woman and knows more about what it's like to go through what i have but....doesn't change the place you always have in my heart....
Ok...but Jason please just tell me if i ever make you feel this way. Don't stop to keep me from feeling bad. i know i'm extra sensitive and y ou're always so considerate of my feelings which is great and all but how about your feelings? SO let me know when you feel that way and i 'll work on being more open with you. It's hard for me but important to me too.
You're the best Jason-chan.
On Monday, October 31st, Pengwen said:
You popped on messanger for a second...I was hoping to catch you.
I'd rather not leave a long comment here, so perhaps I'll send you an e-mail if you don't get back on MSN.
Feel better, J-san.
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