12/01/2005: "The dissonance between the beauty and life"

No subject.. blah. I'll think of one before I click "Add This Entry" (which means nothing to those reading this, as everything's there at the same time, but from my point of view.. this has some form of meaning. I just don't know what that is).

I'm in the library right now, waiting for my class to start. Supposedly, I'm doing work. I need to finish my last "Journal" (story reaction) entry for my writing class sometime today and, more importantly (at least to me. I'm not confident my writing teacher feels the same way) I need to have my Japanese oral presentation written by tomorrow. I don't need to have it memorized until Monday afternoon, but I still need to have a vague outline done by tomorrow if I want to get any feedback and if I want to study something this weekend. I could, of course, just make stuff up on the go and talk to myself for a few minutes, but that's a tad risky.

I scrapped the "Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back" again (I was going to use it back in Spring, too) due to not having a partner, which would make it a bit difficult to go back and forth. Also, with redoing premade material, you have little "I just forgot all my lines and need to make something up" room. I like to have that safety blanket in place when I start doing things like this, just in case everything goes wrong (which I predict it will). Instead, I started not one.. but two different possible presentations. Terribly stupid, if you ask me, but I can't say I'm confident in either, so I decided to just make both and see whichever I decide on keeping. One is more of an oral essay/discussion on the Japanese school system (from kindergarten through high school) and the other is a scene taking place in a Japanese English-class. Get it? It's ironic. I'm in Japanese class in America.. recreating an English class in Japan. Okay, so it's actually fairly stupid (and I feel it's a bit of a cop-out, somehow, even though this fits the requirements just fine), but it's looking good on paper. I figure if I decide to use the latter, I can hand the former in as a composition, earning some extra bonus points. Of course, I don't actually need bonus points in Japanese, but I guess it can't hurt to go above and beyond the call of duty?

Haven't really eaten much this week (I seem to keep forgetting this semi-important thing), which is starting to catch up with me right about..... now. Hungry. Gar. School food costs about the same as my kidney would get on the black-market. I won't be near anything edible for another.. 6.5 hours? Fun. I think I have some breath mints and gum in my backpack. Yes, the lunch of champions.

HA! I found some gum (which, judging by the condition of the wrapper, has been in there for over a year). Eat that, capitalism.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Life in general. As finals roll on in and the impending feeling of doom sweeps down, I seem to sink deeper and deeper into a ball of uselessness. I know it's not good, but I have to force myself to do all these projects I really need to get done. Add to that the fact that winter and the holiday season are coming through, and I'm just not a happy, positive person. I'm one of those people who just doesn't do exceptionally well during the holidays, for some reason or another. I still thoroughly look forward to them, and I'm the first to suggest pulling out the Christmas tree and decorations and the last to want to take them down, but there's a certain sadness that comes with beauty, a certain form of imperfection that comes to the forefront. While you find yourself in a peaceful, perfect moment, you know that within you, there is not peace or perfection. You know something in your life is missing. I think it's that dissonance that seems to bring out the depressing feelings during the Christmas season. Winter.. I think it's for similar reasons. It's my favorite season, but there's something about the greying sky, the darkness, and the constant cold that doesn't do wonders for your emotional state.

It sucks, but I've had to give up on the concept of going to Japan next summer.. probably doing anywhere at all, actually. I know it's nothing more than a flight of fancy that I go out to do that, but.. I don't know. I think I really did gain alot from going out there, I met alot of great people, and the experience is something I will never forget or be able to replace. I was looking forward to attempting to do it again, but as I look at the practicality of it all.. I simply can't pull it off. I didn't want to accept it for awhile.. though I probably should. Best to grow up and let go of your dreams before they could even have been rather than have them die a slow death later, I guess. Maybe in a few years I can pull it off... maybe.

... as I said, I'm not too sunny around this time of the year. Don't mind me.

Anyway, I need to write that paper in the next 10 minutes or so, then spend my writing class writing my Japanese presentation.

This weekend.. going to meet with someone to practice Japanese (and get me presentation reviewed) Friday, was going to some place for lunch with my Japanese language classmates on Saturday, but I think that fell through (they're moving it to next week, which is horrible for my schedule with all my finals coming up.. but, majority rules, I guess), and Sunday I'm meeting with another person to practice and get another review of my presentation. So, it needs to be done by tonight! Fun.

I'll write sometime later.. maybe I'll be in a little cheerier then..


School