12/08/2005: "[In the classroom] Surveying the fields of my memories"

I've been what the professionals call "busy". It really sucks.. I think. My life has been cut down to nothing but sleep (somehow, I get some of that squeezed in), school, and school work. Ideally, I fit one meal in there somewhere through the day. Two, if you count a granola bar as a meal. sorekara ("because of that", "and so", "henceforth" {?}), my brain is a sort of mush. I'd liken it to playdoh, really. Semi-firm, but highly moldable and definitely useless. But it smells good. In order to compensate, my life's turned into a series of schedules and logic trees. I wonder if I'm even aware of what I'm doing anymore, or simply following the proper motions through the day. Wake up, get ready, get online (if I don't check my e-mail before I leave the house, I'm liable to go insane. No idea why), talk to Lede-san in Japanese, realize I'm going to be late, run to the bus stop. Insert 7-8 hours of classes and/or sitting around campus. Come home, eat dinner, lock my door and proceed to do homework, papers, and projects for 5 hours. Go to bed. Repeat. Somewhere in there, I also throw in some random comments, make attempts to keep up the appearance of a conversation, and other things people do.

Thank god all my tests are over next Wednesday. The only real challenge now is surviving long enough to get there. I still have to answer 23 essay questions, write a 20 page paper, draw 2-3 art projects, transcribe 6 art critiques, and write another one. Oh, and study for 3 tests. Amazingly enough, the list was much longer when the week started, so we call this an improvement.

Considering I don't seem to want to interact with the outside world, most of my day is spent listening to music (on [PSP]). It really is fascinating how you can wander around like that. Once the whole 'soul-sucking finals' and other stresses lessen, I'll probably go back to my usual habits. Hear that Santa? Jason needs an iPod. And while he's asking for things he'd never get.. how about a plane ticket to Japan? The iPod would be cool, though. Especially the Nano.

I know I posted my Japanese presentation earlier, but at the last minute (more accurately, when I woke up the day I had to do it) I decided to write double what was there to extend the presentation from the requisite 2:30 to nearly 5 minutes. So, while I had memorized most of the first half and it was corrected by three different people, the second half was banking on that I hope I know Japanese well enough to write things on my own and that I can hopefully memorize quickly. After rehearsing 5 times in a row in an empty classroom, I think I had it down okay. I did it without a script, no prompts, nothing. As far as I can tell, I got full marks on it.

I sometimes wonder where this will take me, throwing myself full-force into studying Japanese. Awhile back, someone asked me why I do it, what my motivation is.

I understand the meaning and why they exist, but I hate those questions. I hate them because I don't have an answer. Sometimes, I suspect I throw myself full-force into things because it's what I can do, it's what I want to do, and I hope that I'll find a meaning on the other side. I don't know why I wake up in the morning.. just that maybe, maybe if I get up today and push through another day, something important will be waiting at the other end.

Someday, I should try to write something hopeful or good. As of late, I seem to feel neither.

Japanese class will start soon, so I best go and get ready. Someday, maybe I'll be good at it. The problem is, I'll always say that, no matter what I achieve. I always know I could/should do more, better.

Teacher's here.. must go.


School