02/07/2006: "Some days never end, others don't quite begin."

Currently downloading about half a gig (500+MB) of obscure Japanese soundtracks right now. Of course I own them, I just felt like downloading them.

Other than that, I really should be doing all sorts of things that I'm, well, not doing. I have a "spectral analysis" project I need to do by tomorrow (sounds harder than it is, I assure you), need to register for enrollment in the university sometime tonight (yes, I've been putting it off), and everything else has upwards of a week until it's due, meaning that inspiration to get it done is next to nothing. Most notable is my Japanese workbook, 30 or so pages that I need done by later this month. As long as I get a head-start on it (a few days, at least) before the duedate, I think I should be alright.

Unfortunately, I just can't seem to find the will, want, or drive to do any of this lately. Or to do anything, for that matter. Hardly helps that it seems like more and more is piling on as time goes by. I honestly would just prefer to disappear, drop off the face of the planet for a week or more, and just try to get things sorted out, or at least hide from it all for an extended period of time.

But, none of this being productive of what the world expects and/or hopes for, I march forward. Smile. Laugh. Make small talk. You know, it's fascinating how it works.. but if you pretend with enough sincerity, you really start to believe it. In these moments of silence, where you're left with the echoing thoughts inside your own head, it's a bit harder to maintain the facade. Afterall, depending on how much you want to believe it, lying to yourself can be quite a challenge.

As for what it is that seems to be the matter, it's a variety of things. Internal, external.. the whole thing. I'm not really up to discussing anything right now, but for one thing at least, let's just say that I'm not a fan of a great deal of change to begin with, much less frequent, repeated changes to how my life works, possibly on a fundamental level. Not good.

I suppose I had something of note to discuss, but unfortunately I can't seem to think well enough to put these things into a logical, concrete, sensical order. I can only imagine how this must come out from an third-party perspective, where you're not privy to the underlying throughts and information.

Then again, I wonder if even I'm privy to some of the underlying facts and thoughts.

I'm going to head off and try to do something productive before giving up to play a game, read a book, or (ideally) get some sleep.

If anyone's up to it, I'd greatly appreciate suggestions for a topic for the Japanese speech contest. I need a draft soon and still don't know what to talk about. Any suggestions would be great. Otherwise.. I ramble.


Jason