10/06/2006: "Late night ramblings"

It's late at night, and I seriously should be in bed if I plan on getting any reasonable sleep before school tomorrow/today. For some reason or another, I have too much on my mind as of late and really don't feel like making an attempt to sleep yet.

The ironic thing is that I don't really intend to talk about all these things that are on my mind, no. But the act of talking (writing?) helps alleviate some of the pressure building up. Feels constructive.

The world confuses me. Dearly. I don't suppose this is anything unique or different for someone my age, in a situation of transition, but it's not exactly something I know how to deal with. The thought of the looming "future" thing hangs heavy, and I have no idea what to make of it. By its very nature, I have never been to "the future", and I don't really know anyone who's done what I'm trying to do or is in a similar spot. I half make an attempt to hodge-podge other people's experiences to get an idea of what the future holds, and the rest of the time I just devote myself to the direct future. I find it much easier to just look at what you actively are in, instead of what you may later have to deal with. Denial, in this case, is a helpful tool. How long I can do this without "missing the train" (so to speak) remains to be seen.

As deep as that issue seems, most things seem to be hanging over my head like that lately. It's probably just how things have been going lately, once tensions get high enough and when you're around alot of people who are having issues all at once, everything starts to gain this sort of massive weight that looms over you. I find that, once again, purely ignoring it tends to be a constructive strategy. If there's nothing you can do, really.. why spend time worrying?

This isn't to say that everything's all bad and miserable. My classes are going pretty well, actually. I have two solid weeks of midterms starting Monday, but aside from that, it's not so bad. I've been keeping busy (a double-edged sword, as I like having free time, but keeping busy tends to leave me feeling more productive and overall better), especially with Japanese language practice. I really feel like I'm getting better. But when you stop and look at what you can't do (the way I tend to judge my ability, as a matter of bad habit), the road becomes infinitely longer.

Yeah, I really should be in bed. Have a Japanese test tomorrow (I already studied for it, and it's short), then meeting up with the one known as "Japanese guy" (not to be confused with "Other Japanese guy"). I'll either write inbetween (as I tend to), or maybe do some Japanese homework (exciting!).

In closing: women are crazy.

.....

Really, I jest. But that doesn't mean that I understand some of the situations I end up getting dragged into. I just smile, nod.. and figure that the world's just crazy.


Jason