10/01/2007: "[At work] It's still not better.."

Couldn't sleep at all last night.. I think I can make a pretty decent guess as to why. Just lots of tossing and turning, and for the 2-3 hours I did sleep, it was mostly filled with nightmares. Nothing I really remember now, but mostly anxiety-related things.

I'm actually at work right now.. had to walk past her office this morning, and I'll need to go in and grab some paperwork in a few hours sometime this afternoon. The pictures, photos, unread notes.. yeah, I'm anticipating hell.

I'm mostly doing okay.. or at least able to hold myself together to a certain extent. I can function.. that's what counts, right? But at seemingly random times, most notably when I'm alone, I'm overcome by extreme amounts of grief. Studying psychology for years tells me this is all perfectly normal and a part of the grieving process. However, logically understanding words in a book doesn't really do alot for me personally when it all comes bearing down. It does help to realize it's all perfectly normal, though, and that the feelings do subside with time. Alas, "with time" can take up to roughly 3 months (though this wasn't exactly a full-on personal trauma, so it likely will be less).

Aside from my usual morning tasks, I've gotten to speak to the director and assistant director of the school and sort out "who knows" from "who needs to be told". From my end, this mostly just involves people who used to work here, but I already took care of that on Saturday, when I found out.

In short.. there's not a whole lot to say. I'm feeling pretty miserable right now, and my mind keeps spinning over the details. Conversations, gestures, notes, anything that could've given a hint of this ahead of time. Again, I know this is all entirely natural.. but that doesn't help much. I like to be at least relatively emotionally secure, not constantly feeling this way.

I should get back to work.. lots of stuff to do. Next week's going to busy.


School