'Tell me what you're dreaming about tonight..'

Current Sounds: Hoshi no Koe - 08 Agarta's Rain

Been sick most of this weekend, so the usual haze of lacking sleep has been compounded fairly viciously with the fuzziness of sickness. I'm not even clear if I'm making sense now, but I'll just pretend anyway and hope I am. sorekara (because of that), I didn't really get nearly as much homework does as I should've. At least everything that's due by today is already done, though I still need to review for an exam this afternoon. I can do that between classes, I think. Also something that needs to get done this afternoon, I'll be reviewing my credits to make sure I've gotten all the classes I need to, and I'll also be applying for graduation this semester once everything checks out. Next month, I'm applying to university to finish up in EAS. Ever-fun. Really. I'm like a non-stop fun train of sorts.

Slept about 10 hours last night, which was nice on one hand, but not only do I find that if I sleep in at all that I want to do nothing but sleep for 18 hours straight, but the fever-dreams that I always have when I'm sick and sleeping are hardly something I look forward to. When I'm sick, for some reason my subconcious mind gets free-reign and my dreams end up taking some odd spin. That's not to say that they're all bad, in fact the dream I had last night was by all descriptions "good".. but I don't exactly care for those either. There's nothing quite like the feeling of waking up only to realize that everything was just a figment of your imagination and that no matter what images may have been in your head, your life is no better off than when you went to sleep. That magic puppy that you found that brought you ever-lasting happiness? Nope. Doesn't exist. I guess I just don't care for that kind of disappointment.

But, what can you do?

Today, I need to meet with a school advisor (something that I absolutely loathe doing and usually avoid if at all possible. Unfortunately, I can't get out of it this time), keep my eyes at least half-open for my morning class, skim 21 pages for my afternoon class, take an exam, then return a book I bought and head to the bank after I get home. Mostly in that order, but not quite. Tomorrow, have to hand in a kanji test and study 4 more kanji (need to do that tonight/tomorrow morning). I'd also like to 'stop being sick', but that's kinda hard to put on the agenda.

I guess I should get running. I'll post again when I have a chance..
Jason on 01.30.06 @ 08:29 AM JST [link]

'Yes, I lost my mind..'

Current Sounds: Ai Otsuka - Smily
Currently Feeling: I can breathe.. kinda. I don't care for being sick.

Caring Meter (remember Care Bears?)

Regarding the image above, I usually don't care for posting random images, but for anyone who may remember "Care Bears" and the "Caring Meter", I think this is worth uploading and posting. No real significant meaning, I just thought it was interesting to run across.

I was going to write something of some form of note, but my head hurts and I'm far too tired right now. This week was just long, drawn out, and I really don't remember much anyway. Some things that stand out, though, are that I got a birthday/Christmas present from Hitomi and her family (some kanji practice books for elementary school students in Japan, a calendar, and some other things), I'm in the exciting process of trying to rake someone over the coals to get my money back after ripping me off over my textbook (he won't reply to my e-mails, so I'm going through my bank to reverse the charge.. bah), and I met with my previous Japanese teacher on Saturday. We had lunch, talked for a few hours, and she gave me a nice, custom-made "hanko" (I'll try to talk about it later, if I remember) and some bookmarks.

The rest.. well, it's not so positive. I really haven't been in the best of emotional states lately, my lack of sleep is probably more-than-partly to blame. I find myself hung up and upset over issues that really shouldn't bother me so much, and just overall feeling more and more lost and drifting. But I have things to do, appearances to keep. Smile, nod, make witty banter. Rinse and repeat. I know there must be something bothering me, something under the surface that's coming out by making all these little, smaller things seem so much worse and hitting me harder than they should be. But.. I really don't know what that is.

Either that, or I'm not looking. It's hard to tell sometimes.

Considering that my eyes are no longer focusing on a fixed point and seem to be moving around freely, I think I'll be off and rolling into bed. I still need to read some of a Japanese book before I go to bed (my attempt to keep myself practicing, day by day). Maybe I can just do that in the morning. I'll write again soon, if I have a chance. Lots of stuff to hand in and tests due this week, though, so I may be busy. We'll see.

Under "more" is a picture of Hitomi, her sister, and her mother that she sent me. Really quite nice. Hitomi is the one in the purple kimono in the middle.
Jason on 01.29.06 @ 04:27 AM JST [more..]

Oh no..!

Current Sounds: Library rambling
Currently Feeling: Not the right guy to talk to.

"Thank you for closing MSN messenger sir"..

The fuzz almost caught me! I had a web-based MSN running on a library PC while checking some news and other pointless information online when there was sudden, massive slowdown. This only means one thing: the computer's processing the image twice. You can tell when the library staff is checking what you're doing on the PC by noting when everything slows down, including mouse movement, typing, etc. I hastily closed it (I was just checking to see if someone was on anyway. It's not like I intend to spend the afternoon gleefully typing away to anyone for hours on end), but not before they sent an operative out to come and "re-educate" me for my indiscretion. A shame, truly. Luckily, I managed to close it in time, thereby getting me a mere "Thank you for closing MSN messenger sir.."

Barely made it out with my life, I tell you.

In other news, I slept a not-so-refreshing 4.5 hours or so, am not really in the right frame of mine, and was stood up for about 45 minutes by someone with whom I was supposed to have lunch with. They never showed, so I just went back to school. I really love that "you're not worth the time of day" feeling.

I'll be interested in hearing the excuse, assuming I get one. I have a cell phone with me at all times, so.. it really isn't hard to call and let me know.

Today's not off to a good start. I just hope it levels out. Much more ideal than tumbling down hill.

I have to run to class.. I'll write later.
School on 01.23.06 @ 02:05 PM JST [link]

Please..? onegaishimasu?

Current Sounds: The screams within my own head.

There's got to be someone out there with a bit of sympathy, something of a soul even? I'm hoping for someone to take me away from here, and quick.

I'm on my 15 minute break from Japanese class. I am now suddenly filled with horror. Sheer, utter, unabashed horror. There's quite a bit of coursework associated with the class. Not to mention using a new textbook, so I have to catch up on kanji, vocab, and forms that I hadn't learned yet. To round it all out, nearly everyone in the class knows eachother, as they've all taken the same teacher for quite a time.

Save me?

The sad thing is that I've only gone to the opening of one class, the other two are starting tomorrow, and I already feel swamped with work. Why, why have you forsaken me, Japanese? I'm a.. well, moderately decent person as far as human beings go.

On the positive side, if I live through this, I should become better. On the negative side, that if seems pretty strong and terrifying.

Odds are also fairly high that I'll be entering a speech contest sometime in April. Not that I'm keen on it, but there's a 5% extra credit attached to it, and I think it's something that I should do. If anyone's in the same city as I (all 2.5 of you who read this), let me know. You can see me flail about and ramble off in Japanese.. in public! I'd like some sort of support, at least. But I can't think of anyone to drag who's not immediately related to me.

I need to get going back to class.. though the urge to run (and run far) is tempting indeed. I'm probably over-reacting, or at least I pray I am. But the sheer level of difficulty just sounds daunting. I've only once before had this reaction to a class, and it was a 10-day winter Writing class, which I dropped immediately after the first class.

... if others before me have done it, I know I can. I have the resources, and I've spent alot of time studying Japanese. It's not just luck that's gotten me this far.. right?

Gotta run.. save me?
School on 01.17.06 @ 02:59 PM JST [link]

Take me to that other place.

Current Sounds: People talking, backpacks.. library stuff.
Currently Feeling: Hungry. Must.. eat.. brains.

Well, I made it in one piece to the farflung campus that I had sworn I would never again return to. I'm not joking, either. I really did swear that I would never again attend a class at this campus. But it turns out that, like before, some highly unpredictable event brings me here. Both times have been related to some sort of asian study, too. Weird indeed.

I finished my book on the bus and don't really have anything else to read, which is why I'm here, writing things to be posted to an online journal. I do have video games, but I rather feel like reading right now. I guess I can go back to reviewing the kanji I seem to have forgotten over the break, but.. still. That's not fun.

When this semester comes to a close, I plan to reaffirm my promise that I will never again attend classes here, and I imagine that I shouldn't have to go back on that again (due to not taking classes at this school anymore). Some might find my feelings toward the campus as a whole a bit odd and/or unnatural. That's probably correct, too. But the thing is over an hour away, with 3 bus transfers, and--quite notably-- it has a statue of a horse that looks corpse-esque and like it's rising from hell. Tell me that this isn't mildly disconcerting, especially considering that I last took classes here on one of the slowest days of the week, when the entire campus was deserted. I'd say the biggest reason is the insane commute, but the other points don't help either.

I should go and actually figure out where my class is, maybe huddle up a corner, away from the cold, and eat a granola bar (the lunch of champions) and then prepare for class (about 20 minutes from now). Sit through, dance around, get assigned homework I can't do due to not actually owning my book yet, and then head home incredibly late. Fun, fun.

Hungry.. gah. I rather hope I don't wind up resorting to eating people on the way home. That's just tacky.

Off I go (into the wild blue yonder). I'll write.. sometime in the future (undoubtedly).
School on 01.17.06 @ 01:54 PM JST [link]

'What did you pack for lunch, mommy?'

Current Sounds: JPOP Show: Asian Kung-Fu Generation - Loop & Loop

As has occured many times in my life in the past, school is now resuming. I was hoping to keep travel to a minimum, but due to unforseen circumstances, it looks like I have a bit of a commute on my hands twice a week. Blah. At the very least, I've been to this campus before, so at least it shouldn't be anything too terribly new to get back there. It's just long and, my biggest concern, I won't be getting back until late. But.. such is life.

My books should be arriving sometime this week or next, so I'll be winging it for the first few classes. Unless the teacher is a slave driver, I don't imagine this should be a problem, as the first week is usually a long "let's hold hands, introduce yourself, and sit there while I read the syllabus out loud to you" experience.

Haven't been sleeping well at all as of late, which now works out to a grand total of nearly 6 weeks without any decent sleep. I'm getting enough to function when needed, but when I don't have anything I'm actively doing, I get rather tired. Ideally, I'll sleep soon.. but I don't see it anytime in the near future.

So.. dance-dance, happy-happy. Odd, I'm not quite able to psych myself up into a frenzy of joy and excitability. And I'm usually such an enthusiastic person!

I thought I had some pictures to upload or something to actually rant, rave, and discuss.. but nothing comes to mind. I think I'll be on my way then, and not waste anymore valuable bandwidth on this. Need to get some lunch, pack my bag, and get out into the world. Since it's the first day, I'm liable to get there early (upwards of an hour.. joy!), so I might have some time to post later. Or I might burrow into a corner and engage in PSP action. I'll write sometime later..!

Wish me luck..
Jason on 01.17.06 @ 10:58 AM JST [link]

The year's off to a great start

Current Sounds: Origa - Inner Universe [Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex OP]

I awoke with a sense of forboding this morning. Things seemed like something was going to go wrong, or at least that something wasn't right. At about 7PM, I received an e-mail from one of my classmates that the Japanese class was cancelled. The class that I need for my major, the class that drives me to strive and work harder to get better was cancelled. The only one I actually looked forward to going back to, with my same old teacher in the same timeslot for a relatively non-hectic day, cancelled. I can, and have, enroll in the same class at another campus, but this will be upwards of a two-hour commute twice a week. I also need to buy a new textbook that I didn't budget for.

The new textbook also raises fun problems of its own. Namely to do with the fact that I've studied the same series for the past 3 semesters and will now resume halfway through a book I've never seen.

But, I just can't really care right now. I'm more inclined to just pull the covers over my head and possibly wake up on Monday, so I can plan my bus route to class and then sleep some more till Tuesday. Of course, I don't sleep well when stressed, so instead I'm awake rambling off to an online journal that will be published for the world to see.

I had some more positive, energetic things I wanted to say in an entry I planned yesterday.. but it just doesn't seem important anymore. Blah.

Weekend plans.. despite my best efforts, no replies to my e-mails so far, so it's looking mostly free. I might call someone I met in December at the last minute.. but most likely not.

I think I'm going to attempt sleep right now. Quite possibly, my near constant campaign of sleep-deprivation is taking its toll and making things more emotionally taxing than they are. I'll sleep for a few hours (obviously I don't learn from these mistakes), get up, and probably play "The Sims 2". There's something oddly soothing in controlling other people's lives when yours isn't going as you'd like it.
Jason on 01.13.06 @ 02:23 AM JST [link]

More.. than the simple words I try to say.

Current Sounds: Shiina Ringo - More

My birthday actually did wind up occuring, and I've now officially made it through two decades of being alive on this planet. I got a lot of belated birthday cards, which were birthday cards all the same, and for that I'm grateful. Always nice to not be forgotten. Before I prattle on, I have some pictures of my birthday. Nothing impressive, just a few shots of the festivities.

Holding the presents
My grandfather
The cake! (pound cake, by the way)

And there's a birthday in 30 seconds or less (depending on your internet connection speed. Your experience may have taken longer). Cool, isn't it? I got a nice kimono for my birthday. Black, nice, comes with obi and instructions for tying it. There's also a fairly long story behind it, too, which makes it nice and meaningful.

Since I last wrote, I haven't really done much. Just been on vacation, going around Washington and living a relatively calm day to day life. It's a bit depressing being here, with it raining nearly every day since I arrived, but still nice. I watched "Harry Potter: Goblet of Fire", played alot of "Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex" [PSP] and "Tokobot" [PSP], and generally kept myself occupied with television and newspapers. I also picked up a calligraphy brush/pen to practice my calligraphy at a Japanese store (Uwajimaya/Kinokuniya in Seattle) along with a manga compilation (Shounen Jump, I think) and a Japanese book for kids to hopefully help my studying and practice. It always winds up being discouraging when I try to read something in Japanese, as I just don't know enough yet.. but you can advance by pushing yourself. It's also a really good way to learn more kanji, by constantly reading.

I've also managed to probably screw up my relationship with someone whom, at least I thought, I was fairly close to. Unless I'm massively over-reacting, but I rather don't think so. Don't get me wrong, it was I that pushed the issues too hard, and decided to be open and express (at least partially) how I really felt about these things. If given the chance to do it all over again.. I'd probably do exactly what I did before. There are just some things that are important to me and, if necessary, I will throw things on the line. When you thow it all on the line, sometimes you lose. This isn't to say that it's a given that it's all gone between us now, but it just doesn't seem like they're interested in listening to what I have to say.

Tomorrow is my last day in Washington. Fly back to Arizona on Saturday, get back home by Sunday afternoon. Once I get home, I'll have some extra time off of school, so I should be able to get some of my stuff in order (such as, get my books from the greatly-cheaper internet) and hopefully meet up with some people and practice more conversational Japanese. Yes, it seems that's all I do nowadays.. which is kinda true.

That's about it from me. Just going to go run around tomorrow, get my things in order tomorrow night, and back on airplanes (I don't think I have any connections, so that should be nicer). I'll probably write again after I get back, though it may be a few days.

Right now, I think I'll probably play a game or write some e-mails, then maybe go to bed extremely late, which I'm really good at doing.

Oh, and I told Hitomi. If you don't know what I'm talking about.. don't worry about it. If you do, really, it wasn't anything impressive. But I thought it worth mentioning.

Later, then!
Jason on 01.05.06 @ 11:42 PM JST [link]