Easy come, easy go.

Current Sounds: PUFFY - su-i su-i

I'm writing this from the laptop right now, so times won't really work out so much, I suppose. I only slept about 4 hours, don't be surprised if I fail to make much sense at times. Also of note, I have not typed on a full-size English keyboard since leaving for Japan.. it's been either a laptop or a Japanese keyboard. Not really important, but it's strange noticing that I'm starting to forget where some keys are (like the comma, quotations marks, etc). Interesting, but not all that important.

Time and again, I learn that I don't handle loss well, not well at all. I don't really know what it is about me, or the world around me, but I rarely deal well with these things. In a way, this has always been a point that I've been unhappy with about myself. Why can't I just be "stoic about it" (as my philosophy of religion teacher would put it)? Things happen, life moves on, just deal. Alas no, that's not how it works for me. I find myself stressed at coming loss, at the moment itself, and preoccupied with the past once it's over.

I think one of the things that makes it feel even more unreal and harder to accept is in how life continues to simply move on. Despite the fact that, to me, alot has changed, the world has shifted course.. in reality, only my life is different and the world doesn't intend to change in the least. Despite the fact that when I awoke this morning I felt a new weight I hadn't until recently, the world keeps marching on like a soldier who never rests. Even if I feel as if I'm in a different world from the one I left last night when I went to sleep, I'm really not. Even if I have a hard time being "stoic about it", I have to. The world demands it of me. The world truly is, at the end of the day, a highly impersonal affair. In 3 hours, I'll be off to start my day of teaching, come rain or shine. I have several classes today, children to adults. I'll be passing along my language skills to the past, the present, and the future. Not that I'm really all that important, but in a way.. that's what's happening. But no matter what I feel inside, even if I feel loss and confusion, the world marches on and I have no choice but to run to catch up. I guess that's what I dislike most about loss: the fact that regardless of what's different in your life, you still need to "buck up" and deal with life. If only life gave you days off.. yes, that'd be nice.

Now that I've rambled in this dark and mildly cryptic way.. I guess I should clarify a bit. Did someone die? No.. not really. Someone I was fairly close to left the place I'm working at this morning to return home. Will I never see them again? Well, they'll be back in about a month, while I'm still here.. so no, I'll see them again fairly soon. Then what am I rambling so much about? Just observations, I guess. Not only about now, but how I've taken loss in the past. Here, it's not so bad. But it's still not ideal. What I'll be missing most is actually knowing someone else here, having someone to talk to. I get along passably with the other people who live here (with the exception of my sibling, we get along rather well).. but none of them I feel like staying up late just to talk to (again, with obvious exceptions). Not only do I lose someone to talk to and the support of someone who's been here for over 6 months, but I guess it cuts back on my ability to socialize. I suppose I really should work harder at forming a social network outside of this place.. not exactly a strong point of mine.

Today.. well, the marcher keeps on marching and the drumming continues to drum, as if nothing happened. I go to kindergarten this afternoon (this week, I'm riding the school bus home with the kids and do some English teaching and songs on the bus.. it's not bad. Kinda fun), stay at the Teacher's College (which is where I'll be posting this from) for a few hours, and then run off to the cultural arts center to do some more English teaching. I also need to decide which class I want there (advanced or intermediate) since I now have seniority and need to assign one to the person who's teaching one of the groups.

Right now, I'm going to wrap this up, do a few more things, and then get on the bicycle outside to go ride to the library. Come back, have lunch, wait to leave.. yeah, a pretty exciting day.

Well, I'll be off.. I'll write later when I have a chance.
School on 06.29.05 @ 02:53 AM JST [link]

'I think I know 86% of the future.. but maybe I'm wrong.'

Current Sounds: TWO-MIX - Naked Dance
Currently Feeling: Tired..

First: Yes, the above quote is paraphrased.

Anyway.. went to sleep late last night, woke up early today for classes, and now I've been sitting at the Teacher's College (someday I should figure out what this place's name is in Japanese) for about 5 hours and will be here for about another 75 minutes (at least I hope no longer.. they kick me out of here around 10P). Won't get back until at least 11.. and then I'll be doing pretty much the exact same thing tomorrow (since I have kindergarten in the morning and an evening class, I need to be in the city anyway, I might as well not go home until the whole day's done). I would go out into the world.. but really, there's nothing closeby and it's cold out. Plus.. really, can I turn down free internet?

Today's been somewhat eventful, though. The kindergarten class is really interesting to do. The children are really full of energy. It reminds me alot of being in preschool myself, 15 years ago (which, oddly enough, I still remember vividly). But, unlike last time, I'm seeing a preschool from a much higher viewpoint. I'm not following people's pants, assuming that they belong to my parent (which, as it turns out, was a BAD idea. I grew up on a USAF base, so naturally alot of people wore the same navy blue or BDU pants.. yeah, I was an interesting child), but instead standing above the children there. It's interesting to see such a place with a bit more clarity that comes with being older.. though in some way, I'm not sure if it's better. I guess the world's a bit less magical as you grow older. Pick your poison.. wisdom or magic. With one, you see the world for what it is.. but there's nothing special there. The wonder is gone. With the other, you're like a piece of paper at the mercy of the winds, drifting from one special moment to the next, none-too-aware of what makes things work the way they do.

Anyway, after that the kindergarten teacher (she's really nice.. I like talking to her) took me out to lunch before dropping me off here.. terribly nice of her. Citlali and I met up here, wrote several e-mails, looked some things up, and then went out to grab some ice cream before heading to her work. After dropping her off at work, I went in search of some memory stick duos (I need one, two would be better. Looking for 32MB models. The PSP is now capable of running homebrew software, and more importantly, emulators! I have two cards already, but you need to do a swap trick to get it to run. One of my cards is used for mp3s, so I need one, maybe 2). No luck there, so I finally walked back here. So far, I've had four highschool girls shout "hello" as they rode past, was stopped by some 10 year old boys playing baseball who.. well, wanted to say something in English, I guess, and helped a Japanese guy find his hotel. This was incredibly odd (and terribly ironic), considering that while he's not from this town, I'm certainly not from here either. Apparently I was able to get him set on his way, though, so I was happy to help.

Started a new book today, "Daughter of China" (by Meihong Xu and Larry EngelMann). It's pretty interesting, though looking out to be a bit depressing (then again, alot of what I read fits that category), and I'm only on chapter 2. We'll see how it goes, though. Unfortunately, after this is done, I'll be mostly out of books to read, so I might have to check out a bookstore that sells some English books (the selection was a bit limited, though) or see if I can pick something up on Amazon and have it shipped to me. I really like to always have a book to read, I guess.

Oh.. amazon.co.jp has some English books too? Not bad.. better for shipping. And they have Spiral.. in English!

..okay, nevermind me.

I've been playing alot of Sims 2. Alot. Not only is the game rather fun, but it's remarkably addictive, too. I've also continued work on several games I've been working on.. should get playable demos released sometime soon (I hope). I also plan on, time permitting, redoing the Noir game from scratch, since I've learned alot recently in the coding and design of games and think I could do alot better if I just started from scratch..

Wow.. the people showed up about 40 minutes early. I should get going, then. Anyway, I'll write later, when I can. Should be here again tomorrow, but don't know if I'll be writing.. we'll see.
School on 06.21.05 @ 06:23 AM JST [link]

[Teacher's College] I have absolutely nothing to write about..

Current Sounds: Typing, library noises.. that sort of thing

So.. I don't really have anything to write about, but I'm writing anyway.

The week is now coming to an end, and what a boring week it's been. Since the kindergarten classes were cancelled, I spent most of the week just finding excuses to go out to the city to keep myself busy. Apparently this weekend will be really dull and empty as well.. so.. I guess maybe I'll just sleep in alot and watch some movies? No idea yet.. but I really am not looking forward to so much time with nothing to do. I suppose I'm quite pathetic when it comes to things like that.

I'm in the Teacher's college for another 15 minutes until they kick us out. Then we'll run across the street and buy some ice cream and.. I guess a car will eventually be by to pick us up. Tomorrow I have two classes (but for the vocational school, I'll just be watching a movie.. so not really doing anything) and then.. yeah. I picked up someone's lesson for Sunday for a few hours (they'll be gone) and then nothing until kindergarten on Tuesday morning. Normally, free time can be good. I guess it is.. but there's so little to do around here. I've come fairly far in a game I've been working on, though, and Sims 2 is always fun. I'm also almost done with my book, so I'll need to go pick up another one to start reading soon.

The librarian here is making her rounds to kick us out, so I think we best go. I'll write more when I get a chance..! As for this weekend.. I might volunteer to help out the people up the street, to give me something to do. THey're always nice.. and sometimes invite you back for dinner!

So.. I'll write later!
School on 06.16.05 @ 06:52 AM JST [link]

[Teacher's College] 'Do you remember the days..?'

Current Sounds: "Chocobo's Racing Theme" (playing on my PSP)

It turns out the weekends here are incredibly dull and boring, especially when you have nothing to do. The "weekend" lasts from Saturday to Monday, so one can easily imagine that it gets kinda bad after a few days of sitting in the same house, seeing the same people, and doing the same nothing. Oh, yeah. It's fun.

Been trying to not sink further into depression.. but alas, that's kinda hard to do when you don't really have much to do and sometimes things start looking kinda bad. Staying up late one night drinking a cup of cocoa and eating dark chocolate while watching a nostalgia-filled children's movie ("Care Bears: The Movie", for those who are curious) is really the high point of the weekend. Yeah.. that's just a step above sitting on the couch and watching "Sleepless In Seattle" while eating ice cream on the pathetic/depressed scale.

I've basically just been playing alot of games, watching movies when I have a chance, and reading.. alot. Almost done with "Memoirs of a Geisha" (by.. Arthur Golden? I don't have it with me).. no idea what I'm starting next (don't really have many books here, and I didn't pack any with me. Yes, complete lack of foresight on that). About.. halfway through "Metal Gear Ac!d" (going on 20hrs). Watched the first 4 eps of Gatekeepers 21, watched the first volume of SE Lain, and played through a few different Xbox games.. and all of this (except Metal Gear.. been playing that for awhile) within the past 5 or so days. I've also started a new family in "Sims 2", which for anyone who's played the game.. it's really good at being addictive and time consuming.

5 days after I get back to the US, my college classes resume. Of course, I still haven't even signed up for all my classes (I have Math and Japanese out of the way already.. and those already make up the bulk of my fall credits). Still trying to avoid thinking about these things as.. quite honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing. I figure I'll sign up for the last class or so I need once I stop being able to put it off. Yay for procrastination..!

And yes, I am just a ray of sunshine.

This week.. hmm.. kindergarten was cancelled Tuesday and Wednesday, so my schedule continues as normal, just without those. It should resume next week. Also, I volunteered to pickup a lesson this Sunday since someone is going hiking. Not good, not bad.. but I felt I should volunteer so they don't have to cancel it. Hmm.. I also volunteered yesterday (Monday) to go help dig a garden for the people who live up the street for about 4 hours. Normally, this isn't my idea of a good time.. but since they needed the help and Monday was going to be yet another boring day of doing nothing, I decided to stop by.

As for news on the management of this place.. it just gets better and better. The replacement who was supposed to show up to relieve my sibling (who's in another city right now and was promised to be there for only a week).. won't be coming. Ever! This means they may have to stay in the city for an additional week.. and no one's called to tell them this. If they don't figure something out, they'll be coming home anyway (and I hope they do). To say that I was shocked.. well, that wouldn't be true. I really don't trust this guy I work for anymore. But I'm certainly not surprised. He seems to have no problem telling lies in order to get people to comply. Yeah.. great guy. This makes the whole situation a bit stressful for a variety of reasons.. but I really don't know where to start or go into it, so I'll just gloss over it. He's also assured us a car.. this week! Do any of the people currently here believe we'll see it? Hardly.

I'd like to start to get to know some other people soon.. but I guess that's easier said than done, for some reason. Or, at the very least, it'll take some time. I'm not always good at sitting and waiting.. bah.

I should get going for now. For anyone who notices the little details, I think I'll be using the "School" account for the Teacher's college, "Insecure" for the library (I have no faith in that connection) and "Jason" from a more secure source when posting. Anyway, the user account I'm using doesn't mean much.. it's just for security reasons, and also can give you an idea where I am while posting just by the user image at the bottom and the name. Yeah.. totally unimportant.

So.. I'll write later, when I have a chance!
School on 06.14.05 @ 04:28 AM JST [link]

[At the town library] Still alive..

Current Sounds: Not really much at all. My own typing?

I don't have long right now.. the library's very strict on how long you can be online.. bleh. But I just finished up my e-mails and figured I'd post while I can.

Despite my very strong complaints about the guy who runs the place.. I'm still having a good time here, even if some things are more difficult than I'd like them to be. I'm hardly an optimist (anyone who's known me for any period of time is somewhat aware of this).. but there are moments during the week that make you really glad you wound up here. Teaching the kindergarten is a really interesting job (though I've only done it once, so we'll have to see if this opinion keeps up). Children are so much more lively, even if they really don't care that I'm theoretically here to help them learn English. The other classes are interesting, especially in the ones where I can interact a bit more with the students.

All in all, I find Japan a very nice and helpful place. If you get lost, people are more than willing to help you get on your way.. I can't begin to list how often I've asked for directions to a place or something. Like all things, there's the good and the bad. Unfortunately, I find that the guy who runs this program is much more manipulative than I care for. He'll use guilt at a moment's notice to get you to do what he wants, and is very stubborn when he wants you to listen to something, even if you already know what he's going to say and have a question. No. You must listen to him. He is right. You are stupid and wrong. I'm sure Jesus said so somewhere. To add insult to injury, while we're here and without a car (and he's been promising a car for six months now), and he always complains about not having money.. he bought himself a large LCD television for his room that he's in 3-4 days a week. Yet this is the same guy who goes out to walk through the forest to have intimite talks with the lord. Uh-huh.

One bad apple doesn't mean the entire orchid is flawed. I just happen to live with the bad apple, which is what makes it annoying. Otherwise, I find things in Japan to be really nice and pleasant. It's a great change from what I'm used to living in. Yes people look. Sometimes they stare. I find this upsets alot of other people in my position.. but so far, it doesn't bother me. I'm foreign. I stand out. It's just how these things work. And if someone wants to try out their English, I'll reply.

Ack.. gotta go.. librarian is chasing me out.
Insecure on 06.10.05 @ 11:37 PM JST [link]

Writing from [Teacher's College]

Current Sounds: Library noises.. typing, walking, not much.

So.. now where have I been? In the first 9 days, I had been on a plane, subway, train, smaller train, bus, boat (20 hours), and car. Basically every typical form of transportation. And that was just to get from America to Japan to the island of Hokkaido. But that's all said and done. I'm here now, in Hokkaido.. theoretically teaching and getting on with my life from day to day.

First and foremost, I must say that I enjoy the teaching. My new schedule (might be adding to it) is as follows:

Sunday - Free
Monday - Free
Tuesday - Kindergarten (1-5 years old) in the morning for 3 hours
Wednesday - Kindergarten (1-5 years old) in the morning for 3 hours, college (19-22) 1-2 hours in the evening
Thursday - Kindergarten (1-5 years old) in the morning for 3 hours
Friday - College (19-22) in the afternoon for 90 minutes.
Saturday - Free

Not too bad. I enjoy the classes with the college students. Reminds me alot of what it's like to learn Japanese. They're pretty nice, too.

Unfortunately, everything else has been a draining emotional pit from hell as of late. Getting here was a unique experience of one thing after another going wrong (travelled for 37 hours straight), and now that I'm here, things have been.. kinda special off and on. Now, don't get me wrong.. but there are just some fundamental problems that are causing more stress than I typically care to deal with. Most notably.. yes, money. Not only am I going to be paid alot less than I was under the impression of (maybe 1/3 the amount, if I'm lucky), but I won't be paid for at least a month. I'll be lucky if I'm paid twice while I'm here. Expenses are low.. but it kinda sucks, because if I knew this, I could've budgeted more while in Tokyo. This also brings up the problem of getting BACK to Tokyo for my flight. I just hope I can get everything together. Bleh.

On top of that, the guy who runs the place is a born-again Christian. Now, that's just the start of the "Oh god.." problems. Despite being so born-again and in-touch with Christ, this guy will lie up and down to get his way. He'll talk behind your back. He'll lay guilt on you and tell you that you promised something you never did. He'll set you up to go do things you never agreed to. Yeah, what would Jesus do? Apparently whatever it takes to get Jesus what he wants.

He tried to send me to another city for 3 weeks.. at my own expense. Yeah, sure.. I'd be paid eventually at the end of the month, but getting there and food are all my problem. He said we'd talk about it. We never did. He came back and told me I was going. A few days later, I put my foot down and said I wasn't leaving. He called me a liar. He said I promised (I never did). Said that he can never trust my word. You know.. it's interesting. When people start yelling at me.. it feels like a part of me just floats away. Steps back from the words, the anger.. everything. And just watches. I'm not even really there as I look back at you, eyes steady, face set, keeping still. I'm somewhere else, taking everything in.

It may be bad.. but in my eyes, what you say while you're angry opens up a window into who you really are. Finally, you're not those lies you always show. You're angry, and you let the whole world see you. Those hateful things you say.. I believe that's what you mean. All that aside, if you can say those things.. what kind of person are you, really? At some point, I had some form of respect for this man. He may be forgetful and annoying sometimes, but still worth respecting. But as I was there, detached from the world as I heard these things coming from his mouth.. I couldn't help but notice what a cruel person he could be. He could say all sorts of horrible things about you. He would lie, right to your face. He'd tell you that everything you were saying, be it you had 1,000 witnesses or more, were all lies. You are an awful person. And do you know why? Because you won't do what he wants. This man wants his way, and sees no problem with manipulating people to get it. All for Jesus. Yeah, thanks.

I can't stand anyone who would use people, emotionally or otherwise. Have you no care for those around you?

He killed himself in front of me that day. And from then on, we are now business. I do my jobs. You have a favor you need done? Oh, I'm busy.. sorry.

The people I live with, the work I do, the neighbors down the street.. they're all good things. I enjoy being here. I'm having a good time. It's just a shame that it's so stressful during a time that I'd hope would be relatively carefree.

And money.. yeah. I'm not sure how Citlali manages to do it here. Things are so expensive, and the jobs don't really pay. Bleh..

My sibling's being pressured to go down into the other city I refused to go to.. but only for a week. I still don't like it, but.. life goes on.

I guess part of the problem is that I rarely sleep over 6 hours a night since landing here. Usually less. It's not jetlag.. not at all. Simply that my body won't sleep. In addition to that, I guess I've been rather depressed as of late for a variety of reasons. That could likely be a symptom, though, from the stress and lack of sleep.

I hope to actually meet some people while I'm here. The students in my classes are nice, so I'll probably start talking to them more. At least I'm not completely alone here, as I have my sibling, good enough internet access (err.. kinda), and Citlali all here (but she's leaving soon). Plus the other guy living with us is nice. Would be nice to actually get to know people who don't live at the same place as me, though.

I really should go.. but I'll write later when I can.. Don't have too much fun.
Insecure on 06.07.05 @ 04:31 AM JST [link]